Back in October, I was asked to give a holistic stewardship witness talk in front of my parish family about who I am in relation to my Catholic faith.  So I figure this is a good way to kick off my blog.

MY FAITH STORY

Like many of my fellow Catholics, August and September were rough months with the revelations of horrendous clerical abuse, and worse still, the cover up of said abuse.  In all this madness, I found inspiration from Bishop Robert Barron when he posted a quote to remind us why we’re Catholic that ended with these words “the Catholic Church remains the Mystical Body of Christ, The Bride of Christ, and she’s worth fighting for.”

As I writer, I believe God (the Divine Weaver) speaks through stories, film, music and art so ironically, this “fighting for” verse brought to mind two of my personal favorite quotes in pop culture.

“When you find something that’s worth fighting for? You never give up.” These words were spoken by #Belle to #Rumple in the #OnceUponaTime episode #TheOutsider.

“There is some good in this world and it’s worth fighting for,” said #Samwise in the film version of the Lord of the Rings #LOTR.

So these quotes all kind of sum up my view about God, faith & who I hope to be as God is the weaver of all of our unique tales yesterday, today and tomorrow & it’s by His grace that we find salvation.

So who am I?

Besides a great song of Jean Valjean from the musical Les Mis, it’s that question I keep asking myself even though I’m a baptized “cradle” Catholic of 50-odd years. I’m also praying to be that good steward of what God has given to me because they are not just for me but His purpose.

According to my Twitter Profile I am –
Tamara Menninger @ts_WeaversGrace
Author: Gritty Spiritual Suspense, Fantasy & #Rumbelle fan fic
Small town 50-ish fangirl
Teen librarian sans MLS
#CatholicGeek
#ApostleofBeauty in training

With more room, I would add

Youth Group volunteer (my profile picture with the silly hat? That’s from the 2017 National Catholic Youth Conference where I connected with the Daughters of St. Paul).

Perfectly imperfect #WIP (writers lingo for “Work in Progress” as I believe our lives are like unique puzzle pieces that God fits into place)

Living with a mental illness called depression

I always knew things didn’t fire right in my brain. In 2006, my doctor diagnosed me with depression. It’s probably my biggest cross. At first when she said “depression” I felt like a huge failure because I was caught in the lie that not only was something wrong with me psychologically but spiritually. Maybe I didn’t believe enough, trust enough, pray enough, whatever. And wow, are parents who trust me to educate and chaperone their teens going to find me unfit? But in time, God showed me I need to be out about it, even with practical strangers on social media, because maybe I can help somebody else.

See another thing depression likes to make us believe is that we are unlovable, worthless. But depression and the devil, who loves to use that trick too, are liars. We are loved by a God who never ever stops “fighting” for us. He’s fought for me all my life despite my flaws—my times I fell into sins—my good times and my bad times—and in His great grace He’s shown me His immense love through His Passion, His Most Sacred Heart , His Divine Mercy, especially in the Sacrament of Confession, and that love He gifts us Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity in the Eucharist.
How do I know God’s fought for me?

There are too many examples I could give but here are a few.

I grew up as a “Daddy’s girl,” a “tomboy” who yes, did wish at times I’d been a boy mostly because the kind of movies, tv shows, comic and regular books I liked in the 60’s & 70s didn’t have female role models I identified with. There was Kirk, Spock & Bones, King Arthur & Lancelot & Robin Hood and not a Belle or Mulan in my childhood.
But God in His plans formed me as a woman and uses the strangest ways to get our attention. In the 90s he sent me Dr. Beverly Crusher from Star Trek who could be strong and a woman at the same time. He led me deeper then, to saints like Our Blessed Mother (the first Christian ), Mary Magdalene the apostle to the apostles, St. Madeleine Sophie Barat & countless others. He led me to the genius of women St. Pope John Paul II spoke of in his encyclical. (Side note yes I do still love typically “guy” movies I am a comic book and fantasy geek after all).

While I was “Daddy’s girl” I also ended up with a huge “father hole” as it’s called. My Dad was an alcoholic and when I started realizing this, it caused me to be embarrassed by him. At 17, I didn’t say good-bye to him on the day he was killed 35 years ago this month.

Those 35 years have taken their toll with the depression. But God in His mercy over 26 of those years in religious education/youth ministry has given me awesome experiences. I’m a #WIP as it has taken about six NCYC trips and other blessings because of working with our amazing young people and yes the writing (my works are usually featuring a father character or two) & another character I could go on for hours (#Rumplestiltskin from Once) about to heal that wound, forgive my dad and love him for being the “perfectly imperfect” dad he was. After he died, Mom and I were led to become full-time members of Holy Name. For these 35 years, God has blessed my life with the most beautiful Church family more than I ever felt worthy to have. That family continually makes me aware of how much I am loved. Oh and that father hole? In 1991 God sent one Father George Klein into my life and I was blessed to call him not just my pastor but spiritual father for 19 years. I also have an amazing Mom, who never lost her faith. If she hadn’t married, she probably would have been a religious sister. Besides our faith, Mom instilled in me a love for reading – and gave me my first set of lives on the saints from the Daughters of St. Paul, whom I am now discerning if I should become a lay cooperator with, who yes at the last NCYC helped in some of that healing I talked about. So I always had my books—and God gave me what I like to think is my greatest gift—my imagination—and once again another struggle in my life.

God gifted me with an imagination that when it is at full force, I can only describe it as having movies running in my head. I’ve wanted to write books since I was called upon to do a career report in 6th or 7th grade. But it seems at every turn, all these unfinished stories fell apart and at 52, I still have yet to complete an actual novel, there was school, grandmothers to take care of, work, teaching, that maybe I was supposed to give up.
But that’s where God shows me it’s never too late—and frankly, things I wrote in college, post-college I would have been appalled to have authored. Likewise, in the times following, my Catholic characters came across as pretty heavy-handed with the faith stuff. God taught me about baptism by imagination thanks to J.R.R. Tolkien who prayed to “create with an open heart wish to do God’s will and trust in His grace to guide in the weaving of the tale.”

And God maybe doesn’t give us what we want but he sends what we need. He hasn’t failed me yet and I trust in Him. And as we live in such a time as this, to echo Belle’s sentiment I started with, “In Christ and His Church, I found something worth fighting for and I hope I’ll never give up.” And hopefully when the last piece of my life’s puzzle is in place, in Christ’s Mercy I may be among the saints in Heaven.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton