A Visit to Our Lord

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I’ve been absent for a while…it’s been a long year to find writing footing again.

The more I pay Our Lord Jesus these little visits, the more I want to stay there with Him and never leave–especially with the way the world seems these days.

But we must carry on.

A short prayer that came to me on this visit:

Lord help me to do what You want of my life
Not what my selfish inclinations want for me
Nor what the world may tell me what should be.
If it is contrary to Your Will help me to know that I may be at peace with the Child of God You made me to be.

That’s all I got tonight. The tank may be low for my writing but I refuse to give up.

Please keep me in your prayers and I will keep you all in mine.

Let’s reflect Christ to everyone we meet and let Him touch us in others.

PRAYERS FOR THE JOURNEY: PRAYER OF TRUST BY THOMAS MERTON

PRAYER OF TRUST

by Thomas Merton (1915-1968)

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My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore, I will trust you always, though I may seem to be lost in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Amen.

(from Thoughts in Solitude)

Thoughts in Solitude Thomas Merton 0385044607 9780385044608 Thoughts in Solitude — Originally published in 1961

Trivia for the Day:

The Abbey of Our Lady of Gethsemani which was home for Thomas Merton from 1941 to 1968 is the oldest monastery still in operation in the United States located in Bardstown, Kentucky. The monks belong to the Order of Cistercians of the Strict Observance (the Trappists). The monks follow the Rule of Saint Benedict which is a contemplative life of prayer and work.

My Absence From Posting & Lessons in Trust

I really meant to post this last Wednesday, January 16 but dealing with weather in Ohio along with the depression, working full-time and other obligations often takes my energy so I tend to sleep too much when I should be writing. That “confession” aside, perhaps I just needed several days to reflect on this powerful prayer.

My parish, Holy Name of Jesus, in the dark

First of all, the ruminations for this post started last Tuesday night (January 15) while I sat in church, dark except for the candles gleaming off the Tabernacle, where unconsumed Consecrated Hosts are kept including the “Luna” Host used at Adoration/Eucharistic Exposition; there is always a Host in the Tabernacle (except on Good Friday) so Jesus in His Eucharistic Presence is always present in the Church. So while I waited to pick up my mom Kathy (she helps with the classes for R.C.I.A. — in Catholic “lingo” this is the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults, which is their journey to enter fully into the Catholic Church), I tried to pray about the direction of my life as I’d hoped to get to the Sacrament of Reconciliation on Thursday.

So in the quiet, I had the inspiration come as if God were speaking: “I have something beautiful (planned) for you, you just have to trust Me.”

This got me thinking. I have a great love for and devotion to the Divine Mercy which is all about trust in Jesus but am I trusting EVERYTHING to Him? Too often, as I continued examining my conscience, do I worry about what other people (and the world) thinks about me? Do I worry about seeking the approval of others instead of only being concerned about what God approves of?

And the big ones, for me, are:

Am I trusting the ability to cope (and heal) from depression to Him?
Am I trusting the writing vocation (if this is part of His plan) to Him?
Am I trusting my financial difficulties to Him?

So I was led to today’s prayer–in the Catholic Prayer Book edited by Msgr. Michael Buckley, an old book that like an old friend returns with wise words when needed. I didn’t know anything about Thomas Merton when I found the prayer; I am still by no means an expert in his writings. That didn’t matter–what mattered is like long ago, this prayer stuck with me to keep going even though we don’t know the road ahead. It was a prayer found long before the image of The Divine Mercy with the words “Jesus, I Trust in You” engaged me in my friend Casey’s Emmaus Catholic Bookstore when I was checking out in 1992.

Question #2 on the trust issues is my big one. See I’ve been struggling with “wanting” to be a fiction writer all of my teen into adult life (and I’m in my early fifties now) and if this is God’s plan for me, why is it always on the backburner?

God-incidentally before the visit to church last Tuesday, a good friend of mine (who came into my life because of my full-time job) told me after our exercise class at the library that God would make the writing happen at the “appointed time.” This friend Jeannie has been a great cheerleader for the writing along with another friend Kaye (also met through my job) who never gives up on hearing about the adventures of Ian, my Scottish detective, and Cate, my American illusionist/escape artist. So always be on the lookout for occasions, especially the “small” ones, in which God speaks to you about your direction. As Thomas Merton says, we must trust God “always” even when we may seem “lost in the shadow of death.”

Friday’s Holy Hour, the “Purpose of Me” & Trust

I prayed the Thomas Merton prayer once again at my Friday night Holy Hour. I also revisited a BeautyBeyondBones’ very kind comment back to me on Thursday when she wrote, “God has designed your path just as it is!” All this praying oddly led to a favorite quote by E. L. Doctorow that is my preferred method of plotting stories: “Writing is like driving at night in the fog. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.”

So more questions came to write to Jesus:

Where am I going?

The E. L. Doctorow quote led me beyond writing. When it comes to my journey, I can only see as far as my “headlights” and need to trust God that as long as I am working to do his will (like the prayer of trust reminds us), He will lead me on the road trip of a lifetime into eternity.

What is the “purpose of me?”

It’s a question we like to ask, especially when doing vocational discernment. Yet in the end, only God knows my purpose as well as the purpose of every other person He created. But we have to trust.

So it all comes down to that word: TRUST.

May we not fear what may lay ahead or if we made a “wrong turn” in life. Let’s cry out with the words of this prayer, “Therefore, I will trust You always.”

TODAY’S PRAYER MISSION

Say Thomas Merton’s Prayer of Trust in a quiet place and let the Holy Spirit speak to you through this prayer.

As an extra reflection, if you like music, look up a great song that echoes the thoughts of this prayer called “The Long Way Home” by Neon Feather.

Prayers for the Journey: An Old French Prayer for Friends

AN OLD FRENCH PRAYER FOR FRIENDS

Blessed Mother of those whose names you can read in my heart, watch over them with every care.

Make their way easy and their labors fruitful.

Dry their tears if they weep; sanctify their joys; raise their courage if they weaken; restore their hope if they lose heart, their health if they be ill, truth if they err, and repentance if they fall.

Amen.

Trivia for the Day:

France is called the “Eldest Daughter of the Church” and has a rich Christian history that reaches back into the early centuries of the Church. After the Fall of the Roman Empire in the West, it was the first of the emerging countries to be identified as Christian. January 3 (besides being the feast of the Holy Name of Jesus, my parish’s name) is also the feast day of Saint Genevieve, patron saint of Paris, who lived from 419 to 512, a courageous Catholic woman, about 1,000 years before God called Saint Joan of Arc, the Maid of Orleans.

Saint Genevieve & Me

I have a special love for Saint Genevieve. Looking back, God must have planted the seed for it in high school as in 1984 our English teacher showed us the 1967 musical Camelot (with Vanessa Redgrave, Richard Harris and Franco Nero) and “Saint Genevieve” is the first song we hear Guinevere sing as she prays to her patron to spare her this arranged marriage with the king of Britain Arthur. One of the best things that came out of that love affair with Camelot was that my mother got tickets to see Richard Harris at the Victory Theatre in Dayton in a tour of the Broadway version of Camelot and looking back, that was a true fangirling moment to be a few rows back from the stage enthralled by Mr. Harris long before he transformed into the best version of Dumbledore in my humble opinion.

In one of life’s “God-incidences” (a term I learned from a Cincinnati priest, Father Jim Willig, as he courageously battled cancer before passing in June of 2001) in the year 2005 a long-haired white cat showed up and made her home with us and being in love with France at the time (my character Cathleen in the ever-evolving search for the right story was married to a French archaeologist), we named the cat Genevieve. And in 2015, my “sweet Genevieve” passed away on January 3. In my grief I had forgotten it was Saint Genevieve’s feast day until chatting on Facebook with Tracey, one of my best friends and sisters in Christ, messaged to tell me her husband was reading his missal–another God-incidence. Which leads to God’s precious gift of friendship and today’s prayer selection.

Image may contain: cat and indoor — **Sweet Genevieve, the stray who came in a winter snow.**

An Old French Prayer for Friends

This morning I had a completely different prayer in mind before I realized it would be late when I got to this post and settled on this prayer I found in my poor battered Catholic Prayer Book and equally weathered Manual of Prayers. I probably landed on this prayer back in those “Franco-phile” days (and attempts to learn to pray in French for a character with a French husband). I don’t have an original French version only this lovely English one.

Prayers like this are great to say for one’s personal compline (prayers said before bedtime) devotions and I hope to explore more of them as I continue the meditations. Once again we have a prayer that calls upon our Blessed Mother to pray with us for our friends.

“Blessed Mother, of those whose names you can read in my heart” is a great reminder that if you get worried you forgot someone, God and His Angels and Saints in Heaven can read those names written in our heart.

“Watch over them with every care,” as when we are blessed with the people God brings into our lives we wish only good for them and their protection in this crazy world as we add, “Make their way easy and their labors fruitful.”

Then like a good prayer for bedtime it covers everyone we care about: “Dry their tears if they weep; sanctify their joys; raise their courage if they weaken; restore their hope if they lose heart, their health if they be ill, truth if they err, and repentance if they fall.”

TODAY’S PRAYER MISSION

Whether you choose the Old French Prayer for Friends or your own words, before you go to bed, get in the habit of praying for those you love, especially if you have a friend for whom it seems trouble is pouring in from all sides and that friend cannot catch a break.

A Work in Progress here by The Weaver’s Grace

Back in October, I was asked to give a holistic stewardship witness talk in front of my parish family about who I am in relation to my Catholic faith. So I figure this is a good way to kick off my blog.

MY FAITH STORY

Like many of my fellow Catholics, August and September were rough months with the revelations of horrendous clerical abuse, and worse still, the cover up of said abuse. In all this madness, I found inspiration from Bishop Robert Barron when he posted a quote to remind us why we’re Catholic that ended with these words “the Catholic Church remains the Mystical Body of Christ, The Bride of Christ, and she’s worth fighting for.”

As I writer, I believe God (the Divine Weaver) speaks through stories, film, music and art so ironically, this “fighting for” verse brought to mind two of my personal favorite quotes in pop culture.

“When you find something that’s worth fighting for? You never give up.” These words were spoken by #Belle to #Rumple in the #OnceUponaTime episode #TheOutsider.

“There is some good in this world and it’s worth fighting for,” said #Samwise in the film version of the Lord of the Rings #LOTR.

So these quotes all kind of sum up my view about God, faith & who I hope to be as God is the weaver of all of our unique tales yesterday, today and tomorrow & it’s by His grace that we find salvation.

So who am I?

Besides a great song of Jean Valjean from the musical Les Mis, it’s that question I keep asking myself even though I’m a baptized “cradle” Catholic of 50-odd years. I’m also praying to be that good steward of what God has given to me because they are not just for me but His purpose.

According to my Twitter Profile I am –
Tamara Menninger @ts_WeaversGrace
Author: Gritty Spiritual Suspense, Fantasy & #Rumbelle fan fic
Small town 50-ish fangirl
Teen librarian sans MLS
#CatholicGeek
#ApostleofBeauty in training

With more room, I would add

Youth Group volunteer (my profile picture with the silly hat? That’s from the 2017 National Catholic Youth Conference where I connected with the Daughters of St. Paul).

Perfectly imperfect #WIP (writers lingo for “Work in Progress” as I believe our lives are like unique puzzle pieces that God fits into place)

Living with a mental illness called depression

I always knew things didn’t fire right in my brain. In 2006, my doctor diagnosed me with depression. It’s probably my biggest cross. At first when she said “depression” I felt like a huge failure because I was caught in the lie that not only was something wrong with me psychologically but spiritually. Maybe I didn’t believe enough, trust enough, pray enough, whatever. And wow, are parents who trust me to educate and chaperone their teens going to find me unfit? But in time, God showed me I need to be out about it, even with practical strangers on social media, because maybe I can help somebody else.

See another thing depression likes to make us believe is that we are unlovable, worthless. But depression and the devil, who loves to use that trick too, are liars. We are loved by a God who never ever stops “fighting” for us. He’s fought for me all my life despite my flaws—my times I fell into sins—my good times and my bad times—and in His great grace He’s shown me His immense love through His Passion, His Most Sacred Heart , His Divine Mercy, especially in the Sacrament of Confession, and that love He gifts us Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity in the Eucharist.
How do I know God’s fought for me?

There are too many examples I could give but here are a few.

I grew up as a “Daddy’s girl,” a “tomboy” who yes, did wish at times I’d been a boy mostly because the kind of movies, tv shows, comic and regular books I liked in the 60’s & 70s didn’t have female role models I identified with. There was Kirk, Spock & Bones, King Arthur & Lancelot & Robin Hood and not a Belle or Mulan in my childhood.
But God in His plans formed me as a woman and uses the strangest ways to get our attention. In the 90s he sent me Dr. Beverly Crusher from Star Trek who could be strong and a woman at the same time. He led me deeper then, to saints like Our Blessed Mother (the first Christian ), Mary Magdalene the apostle to the apostles, St. Madeleine Sophie Barat & countless others. He led me to the genius of women St. Pope John Paul II spoke of in his encyclical. (Side note yes I do still love typically “guy” movies I am a comic book and fantasy geek after all).

While I was “Daddy’s girl” I also ended up with a huge “father hole” as it’s called. My Dad was an alcoholic and when I started realizing this, it caused me to be embarrassed by him. At 17, I didn’t say good-bye to him on the day he was killed 35 years ago this month.

Those 35 years have taken their toll with the depression. But God in His mercy over 26 of those years in religious education/youth ministry has given me awesome experiences. I’m a #WIP as it has taken about six NCYC trips and other blessings because of working with our amazing young people and yes the writing (my works are usually featuring a father character or two) & another character I could go on for hours (#Rumplestiltskin from Once) about to heal that wound, forgive my dad and love him for being the “perfectly imperfect” dad he was. After he died, Mom and I were led to become full-time members of Holy Name. For these 35 years, God has blessed my life with the most beautiful Church family more than I ever felt worthy to have. That family continually makes me aware of how much I am loved. Oh and that father hole? In 1991 God sent one Father George Klein into my life and I was blessed to call him not just my pastor but spiritual father for 19 years. I also have an amazing Mom, who never lost her faith. If she hadn’t married, she probably would have been a religious sister. Besides our faith, Mom instilled in me a love for reading – and gave me my first set of lives on the saints from the Daughters of St. Paul, whom I am now discerning if I should become a lay cooperator with, who yes at the last NCYC helped in some of that healing I talked about. So I always had my books—and God gave me what I like to think is my greatest gift—my imagination—and once again another struggle in my life.

God gifted me with an imagination that when it is at full force, I can only describe it as having movies running in my head. I’ve wanted to write books since I was called upon to do a career report in 6th or 7th grade. But it seems at every turn, all these unfinished stories fell apart and at 52, I still have yet to complete an actual novel, there was school, grandmothers to take care of, work, teaching, that maybe I was supposed to give up.
But that’s where God shows me it’s never too late—and frankly, things I wrote in college, post-college I would have been appalled to have authored. Likewise, in the times following, my Catholic characters came across as pretty heavy-handed with the faith stuff. God taught me about baptism by imagination thanks to J.R.R. Tolkien who prayed to “create with an open heart wish to do God’s will and trust in His grace to guide in the weaving of the tale.”

And God maybe doesn’t give us what we want but he sends what we need. He hasn’t failed me yet and I trust in Him. And as we live in such a time as this, to echo Belle’s sentiment I started with, “In Christ and His Church, I found something worth fighting for and I hope I’ll never give up.” And hopefully when the last piece of my life’s puzzle is in place, in Christ’s Mercy I may be among the saints in Heaven.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton